In a move that has civil liberties lawyers reaching for their fainting couches and tech bros reaching for their angel investor contacts, the LAPD has quietly rolled out a new "predictive intelligence targeting" system that allegedly identifies problem officers before they, you know, do a problem.
The software, developed by a startup called PreCrime Solutions—which is definitely not a reference to a 2002 Tom Cruise movie that everyone apparently forgot to watch—analyzes officer behavior patterns, body cam footage, disciplinary records, and even their personal social media likes to predict who's about to go full rogue. Think of it as a fitness tracker, but instead of counting your steps, it counts the number of times you've yelled "Do you know who I am?" at a taco truck vendor.
According to an internal memo obtained by *The Daily Sarcasm*, the system generates a "Rogue Probability Score" for each officer. If you score above 85, you get flagged for "proactive intervention," which is corporate speak for "a mandatory wellness seminar and a stern email from HR." If you score above 95, the system automatically schedules you for a desk assignment where your biggest threat is a malfunctioning stapler.
"We're not trying to punish anyone," said Deputy Chief Karen O'Malley, reading from a statement that was clearly written by a committee of lawyers, PR reps, and one very tired intern. "We're simply using data to help our officers make better choices. Like, 'Hey, you're about to kick a handcuffed suspect. Maybe don't?'"
The system's algorithm is a black box, which is tech industry jargon for "we have no idea how it works, but it's probably fine." It reportedly weighs factors like how many times an officer has been named in a lawsuit, how often they've been seen on camera rolling their eyes, and whether they've ever posted a Thin Blue Line flag meme with the caption "These colors don't run." So far, the results have been… something.
In the first month, 47 officers were flagged as "high risk." Of those, 12 were reassigned, 8 quit to start podcasts about "woke policing," and 3 were promoted, because this is America and we reward chaos. One officer, a 15-year veteran named Gary, was flagged after the system noticed he'd searched "how to intimidate a witness without leaving marks" on his department-issued laptop. Gary claims it was for a novel he's writing. Sure, Gary. Sure.
Civil rights groups are up in arms, arguing that the system could be used to target whistleblowers, minorities, and anyone who's ever criticized the department on Facebook. The ACLU has already filed a lawsuit, which means this whole thing will be tied up in court until 2037, by which point we'll all be policed by actual drones and this will seem quaint.
Meanwhile, the company behind the software is already pitching an expanded version to other cities. For a small fee, they'll also predict which civilians are likely to commit crimes, which is basically the plot of every dystopian sci-fi novel ever written, but with more corporate branding and a monthly subscription fee.
The LAPD says the program is still in its "pilot phase," which is what tech companies say when they want to test something on real people without any accountability. If it works, they'll expand it. If it doesn't, they'll quietly delete the press release and pretend it never happened. Either way, someone's getting a bonus.
**Opinion:** Look, if we're going to live in a surveillance state, at least make it entertaining. I want my Rogue Probability Score. I want to know if my Amazon purchases and Twitter likes suggest I'm three days away from a parking lot meltdown. But more importantly, I want the cops who get flagged to have to wear an ankle monitor that beeps every time they think about violating someone's rights. That's the kind of predictive justice I can get behind. Until then, I'll just assume this is another Silicon Valley fever dream that ends with everyone's data being sold to the highest bidder and a lot of people saying "we told you so."