Krispy Kreme's Apple Cider Glaze Is Here To Ruin Your Diet

Well, folks, it’s officially fall, which means every corporation in America is legally obligated to shove pumpkin, maple, and apple flavors into products that have absolutely no business being orange or brown. Not to be outdone by Starbucks and their $9 leaf juice, Krispy Kreme has decided to throw its hat into the autumnal ring with the new Apple Cider Glazed doughnut. Because nothing says "cozy sweater weather" quite like a 400-calorie sugar bomb that tastes like a candle from Bath & Body Works. Let’s break this down. According to the press release that I’m sure was written by someone in a marketing bunker who hasn't seen sunlight since Labor Day, this new doughnut takes their classic Original Glazed and dunks it in a "delicious apple cider glaze." Groundbreaking. It’s basically the same doughnut you can get any other day of the year, but now it has a slight hint of apple and probably costs fifty cents more. It’s the culinary equivalent of when your landlord paints the cabinets white and calls it a "renovation." And look, I get it. I’m a cynic, but I’m also a human being with taste buds and a deep, spiritual connection to fried dough. The apple cider doughnut is a sacred New England tradition. You go to an orchard, you freeze your tail off on a hayride, you buy a dozen cake doughnuts that are still warm, and you eat them in the car while questioning your life choices. It’s beautiful. It’s authentic. Krispy Kreme, however, is about as authentic as a "Live, Laugh, Love" sign from Target. This is the company that brought us the "Ghostbusters" doughnut and a hot dog stuffed inside a pretzel bun. They are not exactly purists. The real issue here—and I say this with the love of a person who has eaten a dozen original glazed in one sitting and felt the subsequent shame—is that this is just a cash grab. It’s the "pumpkin spice latte" of the doughnut world. They know you’re going to walk in, see the little "limited edition" sign, and buy a dozen to bring to the office so everyone thinks you’re a hero. You’re not a hero. You’re a pawn in the great sugar wars of the holiday season. But here’s the dark, twisted part: I’m probably going to try it. You’re probably going to try it. We are weak. We are predictable. And Krispy Kreme knows this. They know that the combination of nostalgia, sugar, and the fear of missing out is a more powerful drug than anything Walter White ever cooked up. So go ahead, Krispy Kreme. Take my money. I’ll hate myself in the morning, but at least I’ll have a vague taste of apple in my mouth while I do it. **Closing Opinion:** The Apple Cider Glazed doughnut is a lazy, overpriced marketing ploy that exploits our collective autumn nostalgia for profit. But it’s also a doughnut, and I am a simple creature who cannot resist a glowing red "Hot Now" sign. 3 out of 5 stars, would eat again while crying in my car.