Spirit Airlines Now Charges $45 to Smile at Flight Attendants

In a move that industry analysts are calling “aggressively on-brand,” Spirit Airlines announced Tuesday that starting next month, passengers will be charged a $45 “Positive Attitude Surcharge” for smiling, nodding politely, or making sustained eye contact with any crew member. The fee, officially listed as “Optional Human Warmth,” will be automatically applied unless travelers purchase the airline’s new “Resting Bitch Face Protection Plan” for $29.99 before boarding. “We noticed some customers were enjoying their flight experience, and frankly, that’s a revenue stream we failed to monetize,” said Spirit CEO Ted Christie, in a statement delivered from what appeared to be a repurposed toll booth. “Why should you feel good for free? This is America. Nothing is free. Not even a nod.” Under the new policy, a genuine smile costs $45. A tight-lipped grimace counts as a smirk and runs $38. A neutral expression remains complimentary, provided you maintain it for the entire duration of the flight and don’t accidentally look happy when the plane lands safely. Passengers who laugh at a crew member’s joke will be charged $60, plus a $15 “Audible Joy Fee.” Crying is still free, but only if it’s caused by the baggage fees. The announcement has sparked predictable outrage online, with travelers flooding Spirit’s social media to express their feelings, which—per the airline’s updated terms of service—now constitutes a binding arbitration agreement and a $12 “Emotional Outburst Convenience Charge.” “I smiled at a flight attendant once and they charged me more than my checked bag,” wrote one Twitter user. “I tried to frown but I was too tired. That’s a $20 ‘Ambiguous Facial Expression’ fee. I’m never flying again. Also I’m flying again next Tuesday because it was $19.” Consumer advocacy groups have condemned the move, noting that Spirit already charges for seatbelts ($15), oxygen ($25 per breath), and lavatory access ($10, plus a $5 “Existential Dread Fee”). One group pointed out that the new smile surcharge disproportionately affects Midwesterners, who are genetically incapable of not smiling at strangers. “This is discrimination against people from Ohio,” said one representative. “They can’t help it. It’s in their DNA. You might as well charge them for having a casserole recipe.” Spirit defended the policy, explaining that the revenue will be used to fund “enhanced customer experience initiatives,” such as replacing the seats with slightly larger seats that still don’t recline, and installing new mood lighting that projects the words “YOU OWE US MONEY” in a soothing lavender hue. The airline also announced a new loyalty program tier called “Stockholm Syndrome,” which rewards frequent flyers with a free cup of water after their 47th flight. The water is $8. In response to the backlash, Spirit released a statement reminding customers that they are free to fly with any other airline, all of which also charge fees but at least pretend to feel bad about it. “We’re not sorry,” the statement read. “We’re Spirit. You knew what this was.” As of press time, Delta had announced a $30 fee for “Looking Slightly Disappointed in Our Service,” United was charging $50 for “Existing in the General Vicinity of a Flight Attendant,” and American Airlines had simply replaced all seats with standing-room-only “vertical storage” options for $12. **Opinion:** Spirit has finally achieved what economists call “perfect price discrimination”—charging you for every human emotion except the ones that make you want to book a different airline. At this point, the only thing left to monetize is the sweet release of death, and you just know they’ll find a way to charge your estate a $75 “Final Boarding Pass.”